HAPPINESS... DEPRESSION... NOSTALGIA... BIPOLAR? Insouciance?
WHAT IS THIS FEELING I'M FEELING?
Not woebegone but not effervescent either...
WHAT ARE THESE FEELINGS I'M FEELING?
Sitting on this bed and my mind can't help but drift...
Ears plugged,No sound but the wind - Editors on STILL on repeat... The song is practically ringing in my head...
Mind is here,there,everywhere...
Noticing random things... looking around my room.Staring at the penumbra on my wall...
Tried to write 'something' in one of my numerous books of randomites and all I managed to do is
draw some hearts and break a pencil in two. The lead got exposed so I made some kind of shaded heart with it.
Then I drew a hut...
That's what I do - draw hearts and huts...
SOMETHING
I tried to write something... Anything. Tap into this emotion fusion.
Tried to decipher this emotional brouehaha (haha I like that word) lol...
The only things I thought I could write about, well use for inspiration to write whatever it was I was going to write, were too much. Too heavy... I started to write but I realized I was not ready to tap into that.Those two events.I just couldn't write more than a line.
I got stuck...
Why?
Even when I think about those two events I often stop myself. I used to think about them a lot... Talked about them to a few people... But somehow it was
never enough. Unexplored aspects of the events that I keep thinking about. Areas filled with questions that I will probably never find answers to. Even if I do I'd have to be surreptitious.3-| And even then there's no guarantee that the answers I'd find would be the truth. It would all be hearsay no proof. I'd have to believe what i'd be given. What if I heard what I didn't want to? Would I not believe? . Would I make up excuses or accept whatever it was I got and lick my wounds all over again? Would I be cut deeper than the first time? Is it really that serious?. Perhaps. Perhaps not.
IT must be because somehome even though I tell myself I'ved moved on somehow, someway my mind still finds it way back to filling itself with thoughts of these events and the surrounding occurrences. It's not like they were all bad. No there were lots of GOOD TIMES. Many happy moments. Moments that defined me and perhaps made me who I am today. The experiences I gathered from these . How I dealt with them and all. Lessons Learnt.
I just wish things ended differently. Not like it was my fault. Regret? No.Yes. Yes and No. In one case I had absolutely nothing to do with 'the end' and in the other I tried. Tried to keep it together. I really did. But some things are just not meant to be.
What's the point of missing something you can never ever have again? Something not even God can give you... (No disrespect whatsoever to God. Yes I believe in God and yes I believe in miracles) And something that's likely to kill you (OKAY MAYBE I'M EXAGGERATING) LOL. As much as you say you're fine, you're content with what you have, you know someway somehow you still want it. Maybe I just want to have it and then end it. Just to feel like i'm in charge this time around. Maybe I want it because I can't stop thinking about it and it's meant to be. Maybe I want it because I CAN'T HAVE IT. JUST MAYBE.
IMBROGLIO
Don't know why I haven't been able to let these two events go. One of which the longing for i'll prolly carry to my grave (can't blame me) the other would surely fade away with time... It better.. cos it's been a while. Wish I could have some long term amnesia to it though. Tired of telling myself to stop thinking about it. It's not like I wanna. I just do. I stop myself halfway all the time... Wishful thinking... Pointless thinking. Nothing can come out of it. Or at least the results I want.
Maybe i'm not supposed to forget and maybe in the long run something will come out of it.
The feelings that come with these thoughts are the problem... Not the thoughts but the emotions they bring... All sorts. Up and down. Roller coaster ride. Thankful for the positives trying NOT to feel sad for the negatives. I'm done with the sadness. Are the lessons learnt and the experiences gathered... the point
of it all? Is there more to these thoughts? Or is it that I just can't let go? Is it a problem of emotional attachment? Attachment to what? SOMETHING that practically doesn't exist. Do you know how it feels to be a happy person whose melancholy is just around the corner. Sadness always tryna creep in, happiness
pushing it away. Flipping battle going on in my head and of course in my chest. You know that place inside where you feel whatever you feel. You don't? Well my emotions are strong like that...
>sigh<
Reminiscing on the good times and frowning at the bad ones all at once. Thinking of things you would have changed even though there's not much you could've done different. How do you know you wouldn't have made everything worse. How do you know you wouldn't have made it better?
WHAT'S THE POINT OF ALL THIS YOU SAY?
Believe me if I knew I wouldn't be a mess myself...
Am I a mess? Naah not really... Well maybe. Nobody's perfect...
I'm fine really... These are prolly my only demons...
And for once i'm able to talk about them... Even though I don't really go into detail i've finally let em out...
I feel better :)
PANACEA?
For once I don't know what to do. And I don't think anyone would either. Maybe a shrink.
Maybe my life would be perfect if these two things were in place. Maybe not. Probably not. Curiosity killed the cat. This kitty ain't ready to die yet.
(Not like I could change them if I wanted to anyway) sigh.
